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Kokanee is my Ex.

In one of their recent beer commercials, Rickard’s really hit the nail on the ‘head’ when they coined the phrase, “It’s like getting punched in the mouth with flavour”. I wholeheartedly agree! Beer is delicious. Nothing tastes better ice cold on a hot sunny day. I LOVE beer… or should I say some beer.

Having worked in the restaurant industry for a number of years I have had the opportunity to sample many varieties of beer. The one thing that I have learned about myself is that I have a very limited palette when it comes to anything that isn’t a basic lager. As I think back, I would say that I haven’t been very monogamous to my beer. In fact my relationships with beer have been like a dating teenager. Stay with me on this…

When I started dating I went out with the first girl that said yes. Her name was Canadian and by my standards at the time, she was easy on the eye. She was sweet and new and the more I hung around her the more I enjoyed dating. Then one day I met her best friend, Kokanee. She was slightly better looking and I loved the bright blue dress she always wore. We secretly spent sometime together behind Canadian’s back and finally one day I made my commitment to Kokanee. I gently broke it off with Canadian and haven’t seen her since.

Kokanee was great. We spent a lot of time hanging out and made lots of memories. I enjoyed her consistency and the fact that she was born in the same province as me. I was at a party one night with Kokanee and I was all over her all night. So much so I kinda lost my mind and ended up making out with these too hot foreigners, Stella and Heineken. I woke up the next day and I was confused. So many mixed feelings. I had never dated a foreigner like Stella. I considered her expensive taste, her skunky breath and her green exterior but I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. After dating for over a year Stella and I finally got married. She became very clingy as time went on and I started to get fed up with all of the things that I was blind to when we first met. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I got fed up and left after a heated argument foamed over. Later that same night I found myself sitting in a local pub chatting with some guy named Miller and who walks in but Kokanee. She looked amazing and she was freezing cold. We talked until the place closed down and the bartender Jose kicked us out. The next thing I knew I was back at her place. I thought we were gonna get carbonated but as it turned out she had a yeast infection.

Stella and I went our own ways. It was an amicable split and we are still friends. Kokanee and I fell right back into our old relationship and it was comfortable. The years flew by and life was good. Then one day I picked her up after work and for some strange reason she just wasn’t herself. She tasted different when I kissed her. Then without any notice she left. I waited for her to come back but it never happened. I tried to forget her but it was a real struggle. I had a few flings with some darker girls, Honey, Amber and Red to name a few but I just couldn’t get that loving feeling back. It got to the point that I was starting questioning my sexuality. On a wild night with my friend Grey Goose I hooked up with a guy named Alexander Keith. It was weird at first but as time went on I could see we were a good fit together. Alexander and I have been together ever since.

Okay well that was fun!  And taken in a not so literal context, it’s all true. This was all inspired by a friend of mine that is really into the micro brews. He feels that because he likes Peach Amber Ale by Tin Whistle, Irish Cream Ale by Bowen Island Brewing and Blackberry Porter by Cannery Brewing that it makes him more of a “beer drinker” than me. To me, if he really likes beer that is made to taste like something other than beer then perhaps he should reconsider their stance on the topic. I like beer that tastes like beer. I don’t add Clamato to it and I don’t squeeze an orange into it. Heck, I don’t even like a lime with my Corona!



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